Scotsman84 Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Create an account to see this content! Bandit, Satan, WhySoSerious? and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhySoSerious? Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 17 hours ago, Scotsman84 said: Create an account to see this content! Some in the forum could use these lol. Scorpio 22, Satan, Danny and 2 others 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandit Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts out the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a.... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?" Danny, One Eyed Willie, Scorpio 22 and 8 others 10 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandit Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this jolly season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "Its a candle", he said. "You may pass the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates." The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at him with raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's." delta10, WhySoSerious?, Johnny and 7 others 9 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Satan Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he would get right on it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set the error straight by tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight and everyone *must* attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen. He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!" Rhodie, Scorpio 22, Bandit and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Satan Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 There were three men in Hell: An Iranian, an American and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 20 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only payed $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, "A call from Hell to Hell is local." One Eyed Willie, Bandit, WhySoSerious? and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Satan Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 Top 10 subtle differences between college and hell. 10. It doesn't snow in Hell. 09. Everyone has heard of Hell. 08. It's more fun getting into Hell. 07. You can't fail out of Hell. 06. At least you can sleep in Hell. 05. Hell is forever, college just seems like it. 04. People smile in Hell. 03. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell. 02. You know there are Hot men/women in Hell. 01. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to college. WhySoSerious?, Scotsman84, Bandit and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhodie Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Bandit, Scorpio 22, Sketch and 6 others 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhodie Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 Sketch, Scorpio 22, WhySoSerious? and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUBBERMAN Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 Create an account to see this content! Scotsman84, DIRTYHARRY and Scorpio 22 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money". WhySoSerious?, Satan, Scotsman84 and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 A warning to all you - be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. The Police are out there in numbers checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from... One Eyed Willie, Sketch, WhySoSerious? and 5 others 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
box_hunter Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Create an account to see this content! Danny, Scotsman84, Scorpio 22 and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 Create an account to see this content! Bandit, Danny, Scorpio 22 and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotsman84 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 Create an account to see this content! Sketch, Satan, WhySoSerious? and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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