Zander

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"        The Teacher Fainted.

Still the same, this rule is complete waste of time and the only ones that get shouted at for not doing it are the ones that don't chat 24/7. 

You think you have heard it all then you hear one of the apartments has a "spy"......... Really!!

Problem is some still are watching and I'm sure praying that it happens and so they keep doing what they are doing for as long as possible.

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you are working overtime, and i'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you are working overtime, and i'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you are working overtime, and i'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

Problem is some still are watching and I'm sure praying that it happens and so they keep doing what they are doing for as long as possible.

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you are working overtime, and i'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you are working overtime, and i'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989)
 
"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

LOL

Office worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: Short, shrivelled, and always to the left.
 
Busty woman in Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge.
I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama!
Liar Liar.

Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... ( Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RVs toilet )
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. It's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within 10 yards of it.
 
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

"Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention."  (Dumb and Dumber)

Dumb and Dumber.                 Lloyd Christmas: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
 
                                                   Mary Swanson: How'd you guess?
 
                                                   Lloyd Christmas: I saw your luggage. Then when i noticed the airline ticket, i put 2 and 2 together. Lol

from the movie PLANES, TRAINS and AUTOMOBILES with Steve Martin as Neal and the late John Candy as Del (who was a fellow Canadian)
 
[at the car rental agency, after Neal finds the rental car he was assigned is not in the expected spot]
 
Car Rental Agent: Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?
Neal: [indignantly] Yes.
Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks. Then you can give me a fucking automobile. A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick ” 4 fucking wheels and a seat!
Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car right fucking now.
Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Agent: Oh, boy.
Neal: "Oh, boy" what?
Agent: You're fucked.     
 
This great funny movie still makes me piss myself laughing so fucking hard with fucking tears. Steve Martin and John Candy were dynamic together and bounced things off each other so well. I totally recommend watching this movie if you haven't. It is a fucking classic (sorry - no sex - just non stop laughs).