Scotsman84

I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said " If you can read this the Bitch fell off. " Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole. If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, " Take off my skirt." So I took off her skirt. " Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. " Now take off my bra and panties. " So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, " I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business and the other was named Trouble, One day the boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking under cars until a police man approached him and asked, " What are you doing? " " Playing a game, " the boy replied. " What is your name? " the officer questioned. " Mind Your Own Business. " Furious the policeman inquired, " Are you looking for trouble! " The boy replied, " Why, yes. "

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people. You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.

Wife: " How would you describe me? " Husband: " ABCDEFGHIJK. Wife: " What does that mean? " Husband: " Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot. " Wife: " Aw, thank you, but what about IJK? " Husband: " I'm Just Kidding! "

" A French couple, an Italian couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner. The French husband says to his wife " Pass the honey, honey. " The Italian man says to his wife " Pass the sugar, sweety. " The Polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife. " Pass the Bacon you fat fucking pig. "

Very Drunk.. Lol Yeah next Joke

If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd use my ex's. It' s never been used. I hate people that use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out! What's the definition of eternity? The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves. What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Is Your Ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out your mouth? I'd like to see things from your point of view but can't seem to get my head that far up my Ass. If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ. Your Family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a Prick. The only way you'll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

My Wife and I were Happy for 20 years. Then we met. Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? My Girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. So I got drunk. I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently it's wrong to shout SHOTGUN before boarding a plane.

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherf@@kers.

I don't trust Joggers. They're always the ones that find the dead bodies.. Just sayin.

Anna and her boyfriend walk into Annas house and Anna said to her mom, " Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room " and her mom say, " Ok honey, you kids have fun. " When they are up their the mom hears. " Baby baby baby oh! " The mom walks to the door and asks, " What the hell is going on?" Anna says, " Mom were just having sex. " and her mom says, " Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber. "

Was Barry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Straight? Was Marvin Gay? Sure made Stevie Wonder....

Teacher: Can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to the earth? Student: Drin-King, Smo-King, and Fuc-King!

She does seem weird.. But 4 girls in a 3 bed Apartment never going to work... Didn't work day 1 and won't work Now..

Eileen Rose

During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She was like, " What are you doing? " And I said, " Hush ", I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering: "

Teacher: Why is there a Cat in here? Kid: Because I heard my Daddy say to my Mummy, I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids are at school, so I'm saving him.