Scotsman84

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, " Yep, it's going to be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, " No, no. I just burped. "

Q: Why should you never tell a Pig a Secret? A: Because they like to Squeal!

Q: How do you take a Sick Pig to hospital? A: In an Hambulance!

They Get their arses wiped enough already without doing anymore for them.. God help them when they have to get in the Real World.. As Long as People Keep paying they won't Give a Fuck.

A bear walks into a bar and says, " I'd like a beer............ and some peanuts. " The bartender says, " Sure, but why the big paws? "

Lia and Mia..

The teacher asked Little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence. Little Johnny replies: " Teacher, do farts have lumps in them? " The Teacher says: " Of course not Johnny. " To which Johnny replies: " Then I have definitely Shit my pants. "

A husband says to wife: " My Olympic condoms have arrived. Think I will wear gold tonight. " The wife says: " Why don't you wear silver and cum fucking second for a change? "

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with £2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said " I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the past 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer." The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said " I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the £2000 in the drawer. The husband replied " Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. Little Johnny replied: " They couldn't get a baby sitter. "

Big Foot.. Lol

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What is the difference between @toolmaker123 and Bigfoot? One is covered in matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist created the airplane: a pessimist created the seat belts.

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: Most honourable sir, You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. He play with she, she play with he. I play with me, I fall out tree. I not see. No Fee, Chen Lee.

A man asks his wife: " Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time. " His wife replies: " You have bigger willy than your brother! "

What do hurricanes and women have in common? When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at her husband: " That's not true! I do enjoy sex! " Then, turning to the counsellor, she explained: " But this animal expects it four or five times a year! "

10% of the woman had sex within the first hour of their first date. 20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place. 36% of the woman favour nudity. 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes. 46% of the women experienced anal sex. 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning. 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations. 90% of the women would like to have sex in the woods. 90% of the women have never experience sex in the office. Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange women in the woods than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

Johnny asks his Grandpa. " Do you still have sex with Granny? " Grandpa says: " Yes, but only oral. " Johnny asks: " What is oral? " Grandpa says: " I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too. "

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from her bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. " What's up? " she asks. " I'm having a heart attack, " cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four year old son comes up and says " Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she has no clothes on! " The blond slams the phone down and storms into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. " You rotten Bitch ", she screams. " My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids! "

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighbourhood. " How often do you have sex with your wife? " asked the inquirer. " Three times, " Jeff said without hesitation. " That is once more often than your neighbour, " the inquirer said, writing. " That makes sense, " Jeff said, " after all, she's my wife. "

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says " I need a piss " and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says " Have you changed sex? " Mary says " No, I changed my mind, I am having a shit! "

What's the difference between your Wife and your Job? After Five years your Job will still Suck.