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When i was a boy. I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive.... It's a good job my brother told me about it.
Women are like swimming pools - they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time you spend in them.
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters.... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

Her face says it all

Dasha was with Demid and he was a wazzock - She was always going to leave him sooner or later. But got herself involved in some pathetic shit with Masha and her lap dog. 

Yes she has changed a lot since being with Masha and Sasha...lol  they have been using her like a old farm mule.  I was hoping she got her own place and started out somewhat more pleasing to watch,  but for "me" not so.  I see her as one who has gone to the dogs just for money.  Demid was her last boyfriend, who knows what happen between them, but from what I am seeing....it might have been better off for him in the long run.  "My thoughts only"

we know her pussy better than her boyfriend or ginecologist

Sometimes i would see her boobs!

Spreading her legs was the only thing she had to offer. Finally realised there were things called sex toys and has done some good shows but the sex with her and Eric is quite poor and never looks like she enjoys it.
Not the best couple but not the worse either.

God is this farse still going?? Just give her an apartment and let's move on Ffs. Dasha was with Nelly must have missed that 

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. "Sounds great," said the health -conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.

"Wait a minute," the boy said. "Those don't look fat-free."
"Sure they are", the cook said. "We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!"

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”
She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, “What?”
The man repeats his gestures, mouthing “EYE KNEE – THE RAKE.”
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the heck was that?”
She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”

An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave him a jar and said, " Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
Well doc, it's like this-- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! " You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, " Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He too the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out in tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, ' You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ' Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death.'

A neighbour comes to Mr Myler and says, "Your dog bit my mother in law!"
Mr Myler is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, "You'll probably be wanting financial recompense, won't you?"
"Absolutely not!" smiles the neighbour, "I'd love to buy the dog!"

Mmmmmm yummmmy

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 am.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? we're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?"
I don't know, some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

VHTV RULES    

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. 
Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. 
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
 
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I have just invented the vibrating tampon. 
  Now a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
 
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Rules for life 
  1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 
2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings". 
3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 
4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 
5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 
6.) You should not confuse your career with your life. 
7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 
8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy. 
9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 
10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 
11.) Never lick a steak knife. 
12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 
13.) The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. Anyone going faster than you is a maniac; anyone going slower is an idiot !
14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 
15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway; a true friend will come bail  you outta jail: A best friend will be sitting next to you and say, "We really fucked up this time!"

A man and woman have been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights of when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said " I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"  He said, " Explain the kids!"